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Thursday, June 18, 2020

Messages from the dust

It only took a couple minutes rediscovering entries on this blog from 5-10 years ago, and I'm in awe. I wrote messages to myself that I didn't know I would need!
 
The last 3 posts I made:

"Claire at three, almost four" is a snapshot of time when Claire Bear was younger, and gives me a glimpse of what Jane might have been like and what my life would have looked like with her next year. It's fun for me to remember how it felt to have Claire at that age, and helpful to imagine Jane there too.

"Mikey, you're seven months". In this post I name a few reasons why it made sense for Michael to be our last baby and I say that I think he is. It makes be so grateful for the impressions the I continued to feel and that I LISTENED TO, and that, in fact, sweet Michael was not our last child. How happy I am to know that we had a spit-fire coming down the line! A precious little girl that would drop in briefly and profoundly impact our family forever. I never could have designed it, nor imagined what was to come for us. I wonder if I would have had the courage to, knowing what her plan was, and understand that this is why we trust in the Lord. We tend to be too weak to put ourselves through experiences that are really, really tough - and that create hardcore depth and growth. 

"Until we meet again".... I posted a video about REMEMBERING TRUTHS surrounding death and eternal relationships. Wow. Just wow. Thanking myself...... 

When I read this old blog, I am reminded of what I already know. I am reminded of who I am when I am not balancing on the emotional edge of grief and loss. I am reminded of what I want most for myself and for my family -- and that is NOT the easy way. It is NOT always the sunny side up. It is the real, raw, dig-in and get-it-done life experience. The quotes I places on the sidebar of this blog?  THEY represent who I am and who I want to be!

And here I am....  trying to walk the walk. 

My grandma Goesch passed away a few months ago and had lovingly and thoughtfully chosen items in her house to leave for her kids and grandkids and great-grandkids! My mom and her siblings have been going through the house distributing things to those who they are intended for, and she gave me my piece. It's a large, handmade drummer boy that has always hung in the guest room I slept in at grandma's house.  On the back, in grandma's own handwriting, and dated 2011, my wise and faithful grandmother wrote the words:  "Anne, Just Keep Marching like this Drummer Boy".

When I read it my eyes filled with tears. It is a message from the dust. My grandmother had no way of knowing when she would pass, or what would be happening in my life when she did. And yet she wrote what I needed to hear from her so many years ago. Basically, 'KEEP WALKING.  Keep your head up and keep enduring.'

The best is yet to come.


Tuesday, June 16, 2020

Almost SIX years later!....

Oh my goodness. Hello old friend. This blog.... something I have not looked at in at least 5 years. How do things change so quickly?!  I remember the night my sister-in-law introduced me to a new app called INSTAGRAM. I'll have to go back and look, but I bet it was right around the time I stopped using this blog, and probably the cause. I became an instagrammer and left this forum in my dust in 2014. .....

It makes me happy to see that my words and page are still here. And now I'm back! 

Lots of life has passed by. Baby Michael is now 6.5 years old and lost his first tooth today, little Claire is 9, Jacob is 13, Ashley 16 and Luke 17, soon to be 18 -- an adult!  They are all doing wonderfully and growing into amazing human beings -- INCREDIBLE human beings -- and it is my honor to be their mother, with a front row seat to their individual lives. 

Revisiting this blog is a time warp. Perhaps it is a blessing I left this thing behind those years ago, not knowing how much I would later need the reminder of years gone by, and of how quickly time flies. There's no mention here of our darling angel, Little Jane Kendall. Last I wrote she was in heaven.... now I write, and she's gone back. 

It was a heavenly 2.5 years having her here on earth with us. She truly blessed us beyond measure and was the sweet cherry on top of this large family. 

For a while I'll leave this blog to sit as it has been. To remain a time-capsule from the past. An archive. The lost treasure that it is to me. 

And then I'd like to update it, add to it and most definitely place a header-photo with all six of our children in it. I'll bring Jane to the party while filling in the blanks from the last six years. I'll save thoughts and feelings and experiences associated with loss and grief and the steep personal growth curve I am currently on. As well as the daily joys of this earth life and the privilege of being a wife and mother. 

Last night I typed in the address: www.hillsteadhappenings.blogspot.com, curious how long an un-used web address stays good for. It takes a second then loads, the yellow appears, and the cherished photo of a time gone-by appears on my screen.  It's a young mom, holding 5 little kids on a small couch in a frozen yogurt shop. Wasn't that just yesterday?.....

Finding this blog feels like a gift this mother needs. A chance to reflect upon family; the passing of time; physical, spiritual, emotional growth; and purpose. This old page is a reminder of my personal purposes -- how far I've come and where I am going. 

Good heavens... what will the next six years bring, and where will we be in 2026?!.... I hope to keep the record!
(This is a recent photo of me sewing face masks for the hospital in an effort to protect healthcare workers from Covid-19.)

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Claire at three almost four


Little Claire bear is three and growing up quickly. Before we know it she will be four then five and out the door to school. These days with her at home are precious and fleeting.

Let's see how can I best describe Claire? I'll start with her day.  She wakes up around 7 and asks for a show and bottle. "Chocolate milk baba". I usually put her off until I get the big kids off and then try to sit down by her to eat breakfast together. Claire loves oatmeal with brown sugar and nuts! 

After a quiet morning Claire likes to play and use her imagination. She's a mommy or kitty or dancer. She loves playing play-dough, building castles with blocks and coloring. Plus, she's always willing to help mommy with whatever I am doing. After this many children I've learned that kids really don't need to be entertained. They absolutely love just being a part of moms day, talked to and included with tasks.  Whew.

Claire still naps faithfully each day around 1:30. In two weeks she starts preschool 1-2:30 so that will be a big change. Skipping naps... I hope it doesn't lead to the end of naps as we know them. I love nap time.

When the kids get home from school Claire's world brightens up! Her buddies are back. She likes to do whatever they are doing and has no trouble finding someone to play with all afternoon long.  Claire sleeps in the same bed as Ashley, they are so sweet together. Two sisters snuggled up in a butterfly garden room. Claire is brave and sleeps great!

People are often telling me how much older than 3 claire seems. She is one smart cookie. The most darling thing is how she speaks like a 3 year old but expresses herself like a teenager!  "Lasterday"...
I'll try to make notes this week on some of the cute things she says and add them here.

This morning she woke me up and said "come on Mommy let's do that thing. Memember when we watch the animal show and then Caillou and you feed me bites of my oatmeals on the couch? Memember that one? My tummy is browling."  So that's what we did. And a few minutes after eating you turned around on the couch to talk to me in the kitchen and said "My tummy is saying Thank You!" You are such a sweet heart. So easy to please and fun to spend time with. 

Lastly, Claire is her daddy's girl!!  They are two peas in a pod. She runs to him every night when he gets home and wraps her arms around his neck. She is up for doing anything with him, especially house projects (changing light bulbs) or getting the mail on the scooter. She is daddy's sweetheart for sure.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Michael you are 7 months

Time is flying by too quickly and you are growing up and changing. Your brown hair is coming in and filling your whole head. Your look is changing! You got two teeth last month, the front bottom ones came in together. You are all smiles and coos and chubby cheeks! Everyone who sees you stops me to say how beautiful you are.  I love you so much!!

There's not much more about your personality to add that I haven't already described in months past. You are THE most angelic, easy, content, sweet baby on earth. That's it. You hold in your possession the power to make or break the lifestyle of this family -- if you were fussy or didn't like the car or wouldn't sleep well at night things would be much different around here. But you do the opposite of those things, and I am thankful everyday for YOU.

5th child. Im feeling more and more like we may be done. Its like an athlete who chooses to retire on a high, after winning the Super Bowl or World Series. Why play another seasons when it may not go as well?  That's what I'm thinking. Why not stop while we're on top. YOU are the perfect happy darling last child; we could end on this high.  Maybe.  Time will tell.

At any rate, you are part of a big happy family. We love you and you love us! One of the best parts of your day is when the big kids come home. After playing the day away with your little buddy Claire, laughing at her dances and other antics, Jake, Ashley and Luke enter the door and you are all smiles. I usually send everyone out back and put you on the grass in your exersaucer. You simply beam. Watching the big kids talk, laugh, play and jump on the trampoline is thrilling for a little guy your age.  And this leaves mommy alone in the house to make dinner and get lots done. Simply perfect.

I have a feeling when swim season begins you'll love it.  Bath time is another highlight for you these days. You crack up at your own splashes and enjoy sucking water out of your washcloths. So sweet.

Food is a funny thing to you. You clearly still prefer to nurse but will investigate other food when given the chance. You are not all that interested in eating food from a spoon, you don't open your mouth much and try to grab the spoon yourself (messy!).  If I hand you something to feed yourself you're happier. But oftentimes just squeeze and explore it more than put it into your mouth after a taste or two. No one is worried about your weight tho -- you are clearly getting enough to eat -- you cute chubby thing!

We love you more than words can say.  You are a gift and blessing to me everyday. You are healthy strong and happy. I am so glad.

Love, Mom


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Personal Sacrifice

Dear kids,

The scriptures say that when we pay our tithing the heavens will open and pour out blessings more numerous than we can count. We have talked to you before about the blessings of tithing in our own lives and in our home.  Big stuff like being able to provide for five children on a single income so I can stay home with you, to the seemingly little stuff like the driveway basketball hoop we were in the market to buy that a friend who was moving offered to us for free. Lots of times we can't put our finger on the many blessings we have been given because we take them for granted. Things like months of good health, properly functioning appliances and well-working cars.

We have been promised by our Father in Heaven that as we make personal sacrifices we will be blessed. Its a promise we make in the temple. Promises with Heavenly Father are called covenants because covenants are even more important than promises, and Heavenly Father never breaks a promise. So, as members of His church, we promise to make sacrifices in our own personal lives in the service of Him, in order to receive the great blessings He has in store for our us.

Do you ever wonder about the blessings we may miss out on when we are unwilling to make certain sacrifices. Like, for example, if we were only willing to raise two children -- if I only wanted to be pregnant 2 times -- just look at the blessings I would have been forfeiting!!  Jacob, Claire and Michael plus all the joy you three bring!  Or if daddy wasn't willing to work so hard to provide for us and mommy wasn't willing to spend money carefully, I may have to be at work when you get home from school. If we didn't wake up early on Sunday mornings and put our church clothes on it might seem like we were getting the better deal, but in truth we would be short-changing ourselves missing out on the opportunities at church to take the sacrament, feel the spirit, serve in our callings and spend time with our ward friends.

Recently I've been thinking about writing this so I've taken note of some of the small personal sacrifices daddy and I have made this week. We do them happily because we have testimonies of this principle, and they occur naturally such that you kids probably don't think much about them. But, they're done to set up chairs for church the next morning. Sunday he was at church then meetings and doing visits for people in the ward who need some help.  Mommy made a dinner for a friend who was sick on Friday night. And we both went to clean the Temple late Wednesday night as you guys slept. These are things we are happy to do, time we are happy to spend and talents we are willing to share because we love the Lord. He has given us everything we have. Even every breath we take. Making personal sacrifices are one great way we can show love for God and his children.

Like strict obedience, a willingness to make regular personal sacrifices will bring depth and meaning to your lives.  Self confidence is born of hard work. Love is born of selfless service. A strong testimony comes from keeping the commandments.  And lasting joy comes from living the gospel of Jesus Christ.

You kids are still young but I see you doing remarkable things in this area. This year Luke and Ashley have begun fasting one Sunday a month and offering the money that we would have used to buy breakfast and lunch to the poor.  I see you make personal sacrifices daily in your interactions with one another, sharing candy you got at a birthday party, helping claire get a drink of water, or serving mommy around the house.  These moments of selflessness are beautiful and character building.  They make all of us happy.

I love each of you and am proud of you for the people you are. You blow me away with your wisdom and energy and enthusiasm for the good things in life. I am blessed to have you five precious children in our home.

Love,

Mom


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Quickly we'll obey


Hey guys,

We got to take a trip this weekend to Cottonwood to see the cousins. It was my first road trip with all 5 of you without daddy. Luckily you children are excellent and knew it was important to behave and help me out and I can always count on you. So we had no problems, only a great time!

I did some thinking along the drive since I had no one else to talk to (you guys are happy as clams snuggled in the back seats watching movies). And I have three main focuses that I want to really emphasize in our home, as we parent you over the next 10-18 years: strict obedience, personal sacrifice and diligent work. None of these are very popular in today's world but they are the keys to success and happiness as far as dad and I are concerned. 

#1 - STRICT OBEDIENCE.  A recent talk in church by a returned missionary talked about how important obedience is in our lives. He said he never met a missionary who was not 100% obedient to the rules of the white missionary handbook, their mission president and, most importantly, the Lord. He spoke about how important it is for missionaries to be completely obedient so that they can be worthy of and ready for the blessing that Heavenly Father has in store. I know from my own life how obedience brings joy, lasting joy! Obedience brings peace. Obedience brings safety. Obedience allows miracles to occur.  

If there is one character principle I want to develop in myself and my children I've decided its this: obedience. If we can have the humility and willing heart to obey those who are in authority over us, we will be blessed. This means that we will learn to obey all of Heavenly Father's commandments. We will obey our parents;  our school teachers; our primary teachers; adult neighbors; parents of friends; and all civil laws. We will not justify reasons for disobedience. We will know that it is best to respect and be obedient to the good leaders in our lives whom we are surrounded with.  The people mom and dad put into your lives want the best for you. Listening to and obeying them will save you from danger, heartache and pain to varying degrees throughout your life. I hope you will accept their help.

Dad and I plan to be example of obedience. Even further, exact obedience, even in the little things. And we intend to expect it of each of you. It is human nature sometimes to justify a little here or a little there. If mommy says no friends can come over when she is not home, it may be tempting to invite friends to play in the backyard until she returns. Please don't do it. If daddy says no electronics before homework is finished it may be tempting to play on the iPad when he's not in the room. Please don't.  If your teacher tells you not to doodle on your assignments even though you have a really creative idea you want to sketch small in the corner…. do not do it! It's the little things - and we plan to follow them.  WHY??  Because it's a rule. A rule that those in authority have set forth. And obedience to the small and simple things allows for great and marvelous things to happen in our lives. I know this to be true!

So I hope you'll see some consistent parenting to this point my sweethearts. When mommy calls you to dinner you will be expected to come quickly, not when ...your level is passed ….your chapter is over or ...your basketball game is finished. You should come now. It's a principle. And it's important. It will take practice but we'll get there.

I love you guys so much, 

Mom

Primary Children's Songbook #197
Quickly I'll Obey

  1. 1. When my mother calls me,
    Quickly I'll obey.
    I want to do just what is best
    Each and ev'ry day.
  2. 2. When my father calls me,
    Quickly I'll obey.
    I want to do just what is best
    Each and ev'ry day.
  3. 3. Heav'nly Father loves me,
    Blesses me each day.
    I want to do just what is best
    Each and ev'ry day.
  4. Quickly I'll obey.
    Quickly I'll obey.



Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Michael baby at four months

Hey buddy. You are SO cute! You are four months old now which is my favorite baby age! You are chubby (I think we've mentioned that before) which is one of your cutest traits. You are smiley and handsome!! Your newborn hair has fallen out and you have a soft peach-fuzz head of light brown hair coming in. Your eyes are a deep beautiful blue. Your gummy smile melts our hearts. You give big wet open mouth kisses to your mama, leaning into my face and smothering me with your love. Oh! Nothing is better than the sounds, smells and touch of my baby boy!

Part of me feels guilty for not keeping a baby calendar for you like I have the other kids. But times have changed. When Luke and Ashley were born I was keeping a photo and paper scrapbook! Those big things weigh about 15lbs each and are already outdated. Now everyone uses digital photos, blogs, instagram… so you will have a book of memories made from these things.

To summarize your life at 4 months:

You sleep amazingly!  Down between 7-9pm up between 5-7am. You're in your own room in the crib so daddy goes and gets your every morning when we hear you on the monitor and then you nurse and fall back to sleep with us. One of our favorite times. You can put yourself to sleep watching the mobile but prefer (and I do too) to nurse to sleep so we do that most often still. You don't take a pacifier of any kind nor suck your fingers. You'll shove your fist into your mouth sometimes and that soothes you and recently have been sucking on a blanket whenever you manage to get a fist full of that into your mouth. Its cute hearing you suck your own spit out of the thing… we shall see what unfolds in this aspect of you life.

Eating, you still nurse. I have given you tiny tastes of banana, sweet potato and oatmeal. None of it stays down well and you gag on the big chunks which makes all of us laugh. I'll let you stick with milk as long as it fills your belly.

You are not rolling over but have suddenly become quite strong on your belly. You get your head up high and don't look so tortured by tummy time!  You like being upright in the exersaucer as well but poop out after about ten minutes. We put you in the baby swing on the swing set and you squealed with delight! You've also been on bike rides in my trailer, in your car seat. You love being outside.

I had you at the doctor last week. I think you weighed 18lbs. You are in the 85% for weight and height and in the 35% for head circumference. Little cutie boy. And a picture of health, thank goodness. We are blessed!

I find we call you Michael most the time, I expected Mikey more but its just natural to call you Michael. Michael Jophes is how Claire says your name so that's sort-of stuck too. We just love you Michael Jophes!!

I think that's about it. You are a gift and a blessing. A treat and reward. We love you son.

Little cutie with his newborn hair.



Friday, January 24, 2014

Bedtime stories

I heard a mother joking last week about waking up in the morning like Mary Poppins and going to bed like Cruella Deville. I shoot to be more like Super Nanny sun up to sun down, but often times the Cruella in me starts bubbling up around tinkle, pjs, teeth-brush time.

So I set a goal. For 2014 every night I want to read to one of you. Ashley you inspired me with your love to read and need for mommy time at the end of each day. I went out to costco and bought the great big Roald Dahl set while we were in Utah, with Aunt Natalie remember?, and you were thrilled. I decided then on my commitment to read at bedtime more often. We have always read to you as babies and toddlers but when you begin school you've started reading a lot on your own. We have little lamps that clip onto your beds or on your bedside table and I'm always impressed how each of you stay up to read. But its different than having a parent climb in beside you to read aloud, I know.

We knew Jake would love the one-on-one time too. So dad and I have been alternating bedrooms, reading to the boys or girls most nights. Not every night -- if you get to stay up late we forfeit, but most nights we have been (this is another great motivator for getting you downstairs quickly).

So far we have read the Magic finger, The giraffe, pelly and me and the BFG. Well, those are the ones we're on right now. BFG in the girls' room, the crazy Giraffe book in the boys'.  Luke climbs up on Jakes bed because suddenly his own book isn't as tempting the one we're reading. And Claire messes around her room with her dollies while we read in there. Listening, while playing.

Its the simplest thing but makes a big difference. I'm enjoying it and I know you guys are too.

Reading bedtime stories is one of those things I want to be able to look back on my years with all of you under our roof and know that I read them. That I wasn't so tired at night that I tucked you in quick with a kiss and turned out the light (although that happens a lot). I want to be able to think back on cozy nights under your covers with my arm wrapped around your sweet little pajamaed bodies reading funny, interesting, memorable books together.

And we're on our way!,

Mom

Pull-up head. Or captain underpants. How about Captain Pull-up-pants?

Many hands make light work

I was standing in my think tank (the shower) this morning after reading one of my favorite blogs thinking about how much I love you children and how much I want to do for you. I've kept a blog for us for nearly 5 years now and have printed each year into a book - which you Ashley especially love. I am thankful for this family record and journal. And I want to improve upon it this year 2014 by writing specifically to you, my five children. So that if or when anything happens to me, I grow old and start sprouting hairs out of my chin and can't see or taste or remember much, you will have a way to reminsice on our happy life during your growing up years. Plus you will read the words of your mother who loves each one of you and daddy more than anything else in the whole wide world.

So - here begins a new chapter. My online journal of letters for my dear kids. Day 1. Life. Housecleaning.

This week like every week I've been working to get the house in control. Monday was a holiday so we met the Coons at Tumbleweed park for a picnic and hours in the sun riding scooters and swings. Mondays are usually my house re-group day with laundry and dishes and weekend clutter control to do. But we played. So by Wednesday I still hadn't gotten my groove back and felt a little bit overwhelmed. Between holding Michael and giving Claire the attention she deserves (and demands) I have a hard time being productive. I often feel like I walk in circles nursing, preparing food, getting down this, putting away that, nursing, wiping off counters, preparing food, helping with this, putting away that. I'm moving just not accomplishing much. Life is supposed to be this way with a new baby.

So…I was thinking about how I may need to talk to dad about getting a housecleaner in here every couple weeks to keep on top of the deep cleaning like bathrooms and mopping. I can manage the everyday stuff ok and really appreciate the chore a day you guys do to help. But. That afternoon when you big kids came home from school I heard the prompting, "have your kids help you".

I thought, "thats right!" My kids can, and should, help me!  I gathered you for around the counter for a snack and told you that - bonus - you could have 30 minutes of electronics right then after school which usually isn't allowed. The trade, I said, is that I needed some serious work out of you. 20 or 30 minutes each. You all happily complied.

By that night we had done it. There were no tears, no big deals made. Luke vacuumed the whole upstairs. Ashley unloaded the whole dishwasher. Jake was my runner and ran clutter from here to there and put everything where it belonged. Jake took Claire to play at the park which made her day and Ashley sorted the laundry room. Luke took out garbages. When daddy walked in the door the house smelled like candle and felt awesome. YOU GUYS are my solution. We had done in 30 minutes what would have taken me a day or two to do alone with Mikey and Claire. And its not like I don't usually have you work. I know you can work and you do chores everyday. This time just meant a lot to me because of the way I felt that day like I couldn't get anything done and you kids really helped.

I really appreciate it! I'm proud that you know how to work and get so much done. I'm proud that you are able to help out and willing to do it with a smile on your face. We are so blessed. We have so much. We don't need a housecleaner to come and scrub while we putter around. We've got smart minds and healthy, able bodies and we are the stewards of our own stuff.

I love you guys!,

Mom

Claire (3 years), Michael (3 months) are my two little buddies during the day

Thursday, January 23, 2014

The new temple

Everyone is so excited about the new Gilbert temple opening near our home. After many years of watching it be built we can finally go in! Tyler and I have taken the opportunity to take some cleaning shifts and it has been such a treat! It is more beautiful inside than anyone can imagine. I love the cream, light blue and sage color scheme and the agave/desert theme. The 18 foot glass chandelier is breathtaking and the craftsmanship of the wood and quality of the materials… its the nicest building I've ever been in.  Which is fitting for a house of the Lord.

We took our kids through on a tour the other night. They loved it and of course imagine getting married here someday. I hope they do! It was 9pm by the time we got back to the parking lot for pictures. Everyone was pretty tired but you can see by the smiles on their faces that they loved being there. We are so blessed to be an eternal family and lucky to have this beautiful reminder of our Heavenly Father so close that we drive by it often.

This is our family's temple.












Thursday, January 9, 2014

Christmas of 2013, our two week vacation and everyone growing up

It's been a big few weeks for everyone I know with the holidays. They're almost a blur except that we had so much fun I remember a lot! After Thanksgiving came the boys' triathlon which set off the Christmas chaos with a bang.

Busy Saturdays bustling around with the family stopping to shop here and there; putting up Christmas lights, timers; trying to capture a cute group photo for a Christmas card. It's always something this time of year. School parties; teacher gifts; to-do lists; amazon order after amazon order; cookies and sweets; beautiful Arizona weather which means park days; Costco trips; non-stop Christmas music on 99.9fm and night-time drives through the neighborhood to look at lights.

On December 19th we loaded up the van and went North. I'll spare myself the details since there are more than can be written and well lets just say it was a constant party. Cousins were in heaven. Hillsteads house was packed. Shauna had it decorated to the T. My side of the family was also in town and we had a wonderful Christmas eve and morning at Grandma Goesch's home. There are just so many people to love and celebrate with and so many fun things to do when we are all together! Many of the highlights made instagram - so enough said.

Now we are home. The kids are back to school and I have been digging out from under piles of suitcases, Christmas gifts and decorations still up. You'd think I could knock that out in a day or two but with my sweet helpers (hard to believe sometimes that I'm back to having two little ones at home all day) I mostly walk around in circles wondering where and how to begin. Claire's got something going where she says "I want to hold you" a lot now. I sit and hold her waiting for her to get enough and want down but it doesn't happen! This is a new development with her, Miss Clingy?

Michael thank goodness IS an old-soul. He knows the goings-on of the home and times his naps and feedings just delightfully for me. Continues to sleep well despite a cold and is truly just a bundle of love. Gives gives gives and rarely takes.  The perfect 5th child.

I'm tired now. Good night.